An open letter to my college self -

I know the things you’re feeling.

I’ve sat with you in rooms full of people, watching as you felt invisible.

I’ve sat with you on dorm room floors, as you stared at the girl in the mirror and tried so hard to change who was looking back at you.

I’ve sat with you in conversations, where you were screaming inside but couldn’t quite open your mouth to say anything you really felt, or to say anything really at all. 

I’ve watched you get overlooked and walked over.

Chosen and then rejected, used and then pushed aside. 

I’ve felt every tear fall, every bump, hit and bruise you’ve taken. 

But here’s the thing..

If only you knew. 

If only you knew that you had a fire raging inside of you that just wanted, needed, to come out.

If you only knew that who you are at your core is who you need to introduce to people, not the made up, doctored, perfectly tailored version of yourself that you shove out. 

You’re lonely because you’re not letting people get to the real you.

And you’re not letting people get to the real you because the one person you did, they didn’t know how to hold all of who you are.

That’s the risk of being a human. You find someone that makes your heart feel different, and you start to hand them bits and pieces of yourself, sometimes small and sometimes really big. And what they do with those bits and pieces is up to them, but sometimes all they do is let them drop to the ground.

That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I know you’ve thought that forever.

No, it just means they aren’t the person meant to carry them. 

They’re too big, too heavy, too awkward, not fitting correctly in their hands. 

So they fall, and they break, and in turn you break too.

Then you desperately scoop up all the pieces and shove them back in, deeper and deeper every time you meet someone new. 

I know, I’ve watched you do it countless times. Watching as it tears away at who you really are, every time. 

Exhaustion and defeat, read all over your face after every interaction where you did nothing but stomp the pieces down deeper and deeper. 

What you didn’t realize at the time, is the one person who’s opinion you held so highly, who you wanted to impress the most, who you wanted to see you and love you fully and truly for all that you are.

They did.

They saw who you are at your absolute core. 

They called it out. Wrote it down, even, in a note that you still have.

They saw.

But you couldn’t. 

Lost in the sea of trying to be what everyone else wanted, all of who you are stuffed so deep inside, that even you couldn’t see it anymore.

I watched as you, for the longest time, couldn’t figure out what was “wrong with you”.

Nothing at all was wrong with you, you just completely lost yourself. You had no identity. Hanging on by a thread, trying to fix yourself and feel better, continuing to produce these fake versions of yourself, slapping on a smile that you pulled out of thin air because you couldn’t muster one up on your own.

Lost.

You were lost.

The fear of being broken again gripped you so tightly. 

Like a hand around your neck always ready to clench tighter and tighter at the slightest hint of a connection with someone.

I’ve seen you love and lose so many times. 

Hand your massive heart to people and them just disappear from your life in an instant.

Those scars are deep. Those scars are tender.

But you keep on loving.

You keep on caring.

Because that’s the very thing that you are, at your core, your inner most being.

The love that stays pounding around inside your heart, just waiting to be able to come out.

Waiting for that person that can handle it for all that it is.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Your heart is just bigger than you are.

It took too long to realize it, too long to embrace it.

You are no longer a shell of a person.

You are full of life and love and fire and passion.

And it’s good.

It’s scary to let people in. To hand them those giant pieces of yourself in hopes that they are taken tenderly and softly, held gently.

But it’s also so rewarding.

To be seen and to be known, even just a little bit.

To let all that love inside of you spill out. 

I wish you wouldn’t have been so afraid of that for all those years.

It’s scary, but it’s so beautiful. 

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not lost anymore. You’ve found yourself, your real true self.

hello, welcome to my brain.

So, it's Valentines Day again. 

I know I always write posts on valentines day, and maybe you think it's lame, and thats okay. I needed someone to talk about it when I was younger, so I'm doing that for the person reading this that needs to hear it the most. 

I think last time I wrote about valentines day (it's literally right below this if you want to just do a little scroll), I was saying how I used to dread it, and be annoyed by all the relationships and love around me. I was bitter! I wrote that about 3 years ago and I can honestly say I haven't felt bitterness on this day since then. And that's because I rooted myself in Jesus. And found my identity in Him and not my relationship status. I wrote all about that already though, you can go read it if you want. But today what's on my heart is something different. 

I've gone through some frustrating seasons in life lately. Maybe you have too. When it seems like things go from great to so-not-great in the blink of an eye. Where you wake up each morning almost afraid to see what the day holds and what kind of change it'll bring to your life. It's... weird. A weird spot to be in. I turned 29 last month, which was kind of sickening but also exciting. Turning 29 made me look at my relationship status totally differently. I've been single now for quite a while. There have been a few flings here and there but nothing has stuck. And even recently there was someone who I thought would really stick. Someone I could really actually see something real with for the first time in a long time. But it didn't work out. And while I've been grieving, in a way, the loss of that could-have-been, I have learned so much about the importance of a few really important things. 

1. Valuing yourself : I like that one of the definitions of the word value is "to consider". Especially when thinking of yourself, to consider yourself. I feel like it's so easy for me to become so wrapped up in someone else that they become the thing I'm "considering" the most. Their feelings. What they want. And somewhere along the way I lose regard for myself. Do you ever feel like this (pls say I'm not the only one). Like, somewhere in the talking stages or the situationships, you yourself get put on the back burner. I think this is easy for most humans to do, especially if we're the type of people who just want to care for others fully and show our love that way. But something I was forgetting about in the relationship hunt was myself. My own feelings. Want I truly am looking for in a relationship and future spouse. You may read this first point and think, "that sounds selfish". But I promise you it isn't. In the last valentines day post I talked about identity in Jesus. Who He says that I am over who I think I am. Valuing yourself is also standing firm in that. Don't bring yourself down to meet someone else's level. Don't compromise who you KNOW in your heart that you are, who God says you are, who He is calling you to be.. for someone else. 

2. Knowing your worth : This one goes hand in hand with the first one. Let me just tell you.. whoever you are that's reading this that maybe needs to hear this. You are SO worth love and good things. Do not ever let a guy who can't get his crap together make you feel like you are unworthy of love. You deserve someone who is excited about you, who cannot wait to talk to you and can't get enough of talking to you, someone who goes out of their way to make you feel special even if it's in the smallest, simplest way. You deserve someone who is going to make plans and keep those plans, someone who wants to spend time hearing what you have to say and listening to the things that you're passionate about. You deserve someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Don't let some guy drag you around and keep you in the dark or confused about his feelings. It's absolutely okay for you to step away from someone because you feel like you don't deserve the way they are treating you. I feel like the culture we live in today is afraid to do this, which is funny because I also feel like culture is very "speak your truth!" "tell people how you feel about them!" "Be honest!". I know it can be hard to walk away from people that you have a connection with, and people who probably already have a lot of space in your heart. But know your worth! I promise you that the right person will not leave you feeling confused or anxious or have you up crying at all hours of the night. Know your worth and do not let anyone else try to tell you what your worth is or should be. 

3. Boundaries : Anyone else get extremely close to people too quickly and then partially regret it later and/or get that sickish feeling in your gut when you realize you've just shared huge pieces of your heart with someone who probably didn't deserve, and wasn't ready, to hear or hold them....... just me? 😅 This one is TOUGH, but so so so crucially important. Guard your heart. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" Proverbs 4:23. This quote from the Enduring Word Commentary really shook me.  "As Satan keeps special watch here, so must we keep special watch as well. If the citadel is taken, the whole town must surrender. If the heart is captured, the whole man-affections, desires, motives, pursuits-will be handed over" (Bridges).Our hearts are where we are supposed to hold wisdom. "The unguarded heart sees a choking or restriction to the joy and pleasantness of life." Sheesh. Be careful who you give parts of yourself, and your heart to. I know it's easy to get caught up in the fun and excitement of something and someone new, but don't forget to guard your heart. This is not something I have always done well. And at times I have felt the seemingly physical pain of all the missing pieces of my heart I've given away. If you feel like that today, I just want to say I love you so much. And Jesus loves you so much. And He will heal every single inch of your heart if you lay it at His feet. It may hurt and be uncomfy for a little bit, but let God hold it. Don't give away pieces of it willy-nilly, especially to guys who aren't ready or willing to commit to something long term. Or to guys who maybe just say all the right things at the right times but leave you feeling a little confused about where you stand. Sharing more of yourself with someone in hopes that it will make them stay is never the answer. And if you're like me, and have done that, know that there is restoration in Jesus. Boundaries can be hard to establish and sometimes even harder to stick to. But your heart needs them. Your mind needs them, too. 

These things are so important. And honestly it took me way too long to really realize that. These were things I've always known but not always things that I've been good at upholding within myself. You are truly amazing. And you deserve someone who sees that. Someone who realizes what an honor it is to be with you. 

So that's all I got this valentines day. I know it can be hard. I know these things are easier said than done. But I encourage you to really search your own heart on these. Where do you struggle? What or who are you holding on to that you know isn't right? I said it somewhere up there, but never ever ever ever ever ever lower yourself to meet someone else's level on these 3 things. Don't let anyone but Jesus himself tell you what you're worth. His voice (Jesus) is the ONLY voice that matters. Listen to Him. And don't just listen, but root yourself in what He says about you. Because you are dearly loved by Him.

Lastly, if your heart is hurting this time of year, for any reason, just know that I love you. I care. I'm here if you need someone to talk to about it. Feelings can be so amazing but they can also be so crushing and unbearably heavy. I get it. Feel what needs to be felt, but also don't be afraid to reach out and ask for someone to sit with you in it. 

Happy Valentines Day. Drink your favorite coffee today and buy yourself some flowers cause you freaking deserve it, girlfriend. I love you.

hi, i love you.

It's always been really easy for me to be bitter on Valentines Day. Not even in the sarcastic, funny, kind of way. But actually bitter. I truly never thought that I would be in my mid-twenties and still single. Growing up I never had any role models or people in my life really that were in that position. A lot of my friends were either older or younger than me and once I hit a certain age they all started getting married and it started to feel like a competition. It started to feel like a club that I wasn't invited to be a part of. A club that I didn't have the qualifications to join. And to be honest, some days, it sucks. I'm not going to lie about that. But the reason I'm writing this is because I wish that I would've known then that there is no set timeline. There is no "you have to be married by this age" rule. I wish more single women talked about their singleness in a way that didn't make me wish that I would never be one of them. 

This Valentines Day was different. Because I have acknowledged the root of my bitterness.

In the summer I had a relationship that I thought was the best thing. I'd honestly never been so happy with someone. And I thought to myself, 'this must be it. This must be what I've been waiting and praying for for years.' I truly thought it was. And then that relationship ended. I was pretty quick to fall back into my anxiety and negative thinking about all relationships. Thinking that nothing would ever work out for me. That it must be something wrong with me. That I must just not be "good enough". It was a rock bottom moment for me.

That was at the end of last year. Going into the new year one of my goals was to devote myself to growing closer to God. Something that honestly I put on the back burner for far too long. In that rock bottom time I realized my need for God. My real, true, desperate need for Him. I was spending more time in the word and I even joined a Bible study with some friends. I logged off Instagram, because I spent way too much time on it before just comparing myself, my life, my worth. I was committed. Something HAD to change. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed the posture of my heart. Nothing was going to change until I figured out where the bitterness was coming from. Why I was so quick to jump to those "not good enough" thoughts. 

The answer: I wasn't putting God first. In anything. I maybe thought that I was, but I wasn't. I was listening to a podcast about social media that said something about how what's in our hearts is going to be reflected in everything that we do. That concept took my mind somewhere else. It made me think that it's what wasn't in my heart that was causing me to act a certain way and think certain things. After all, I was spending my time comparing myself to others, comparing my relationship to others, comparing my whole life, my job, my looks, my style, literally everything. That's what I was feeding my mind constantly. And that behavior led to just a lot of loneliness. And the loneliness led to trying to find anything and anyone to make that feeling go away. 

That was when I realized my desperate need for God. 

Ever since acknowledging that everything has been different. I can rest in knowing that my life isn't completely up to me to plan out. I believe that God has a plan, and that His plan will surely come to be in my life as long as I am willing to let him lead me. I wanted control over my love life. I wanted to make all the rules. But that's not how it works. It can work that way, I guess, for some people maybe? But that wasn't the case for me. Maybe you've read this far and you're wondering where the heck I am going with all of this. I really just wanted to tell my story. And encourage anyone out there, man, woman, anyone, who may feel the same way about wondering where their perfect someone is. It took me way too long to realize that I need to be content in the love that Jesus has for me and be content with who I am, who I TRULY am, in Christ, before I can be able to fully love someone else. And if I don't have the capability to love another person, then I shouldn't be with another person because thats not fair to them. Do I want to be in love? YES. Do I have those moments still where it's very difficult and it hurts like crap? YES. But what's changed is the posture of my heart. My attitude toward it all. God IS enough for me. There was a gaping hole in my heart/life that I was trying to fill with anyone else before realizing that what I was missing was right in front of me. Pleading for me to come back to Him and find rest in His love. Honestly, if the whole point of my past relationship ending was for me to come to this point, then for that I am so thankful. For that, the pain will have been plenty worth it.

It's okay to feel lonely.

It's okay to want a relationship.

It was never about me not being "good enough". It was always me just not being ready. Not being secure in who I was. Not even really knowing who I was because I was too scared to address the issues within my own heart. Too scared to admit that I had messed up. That I had strayed away from that plan that God has. To admit that I was trying to have control over that aspect of my life and that it was backfiring repeatedly. 

You ARE good enough. It is NEVER about not being "good enough".

If you can relate to any of this, I want to encourage you that 1.) you're not alone. 2.) please reach out to someone you're close with and talk to them about your feelings. Feeling lonely can lead to a downward spiral of negative thoughts, anxiety and depression. And you don't deserve that. Talk to someone. 3.) PRAY. Speak out loud to God the desires of your heart. Yes, he already knows those without us saying anything but theres something powerful about speaking it. Acknowledging it. Even if you feel ridiculous, talk to Him. Admit that you need Him and that you need help. 4.) There is someone out there for you and when you meet them it will be the happiest day of your whole life (this is what I tell myself on the regular hahhaa). 

So this Valentines Day.. I hope that you feel loved. Whether you're single, married, engaged, divorced, wherever you find yourself. I hope you feel Gods love. I hope you feel the love of friends, of family. 

You ARE loved. So so so so so so much. 

And not just on Valentines Day.

Don't forget that.

31

Day 31 of quarantine:
By now, we all can probably agree, that these are weird times.

The last 31 days have been the slowest and also the fastest. I know that we have all been asked to stay home, which is honestly not that hard, or at least it shouldn't be. Every day throughout this whole pandemic I have been trying very hard to gauge my emotions. All over social media we see everyone sharing things like, "it's okay to feel what you're feeling!" and I have even been the one to post that same thing. If I'm being honest.. I don't know what I have been feeling. As the days go by I feel like I am living inside a cloud. Inside a cloud of fog. I can't see what is ahead of me, and I've lost sight of everything behind me. Some days I am scared. Some days I'm anxious and sad. Some days I am incredibly lonely. Some days I feel happy. I don't think I have felt one solid lasting emotion at all over the last 31 days.

I think overwhelmed is a good word to use.

 So what do you do in these times? What do you do with all these feelings? These are the things I have been asking myself every single day. Some days I wake up with a lot of ambition and motivation for the day, and other days i wake up and can barely pull myself up out of bed. it's weird. And I'm not writing this to bring everyone down. I just felt compelled to share my feelings because maybe you're feeling the same. This isn't forever.. but it is our right now. There's no escaping the reality we are living in. I personally feel like I am learning a lot about myself during this time. Maybe a lot more than I ever wanted to know haha. I'm trying to find the good in that though. Taking this as a chance to better myself. Letting my true colors come out to be seen by only me (and my parents...sorry guys). I was thinking the other day about how I quickly grew to dread my long commute to and from work because sometimes it was just too much time left with my own thoughts and emotions. Most of the time I would try to FaceTime or call a friend so that I wouldn't be "alone". That was totally me at the beginning of this quarantine. I was talking to friends almost the entire day. And then, as we all got a little more adjusted in this, the FaceTime calls kind of dwindled and we all got busy doing our own things. I think that sometimes it's good for us to be alone with our own thoughts and emotions, as uncomfortable as it is, it forces us to deal with them. To face them. To feel them. To embrace them. And I think that is what this time is about. It's not about how productive we can be during this time.. but rather how we can better ourselves. What habits can we change. What emotions can we confront. What relationships can we grow. How we can be better human beings to each other.

It's okay if you don't reorganize your entire house during this. It's okay if you don't start and/or finish a project. It's okay if you don't change your hair. It's okay if you don't create content every single day. It's okay if all you do today, or this week, is slowly sip your coffee and listen to music or watch an entire season/series on Netflix.

Everyone is saying it but I'm going to say it again. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Don't push yourself if you don't have to. Feel. Cry if you have to. Dance around your house. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Go for a walk. Sit on your porch and watch the rain. It's okay, it's all going to be okay.

To: All the single ladies

This one is for all the single ladies out there (cue Beyoncé).

I've had this one on my heart for a long time but to be honest I've just been afraid to share it. Why? I'm not really sure. I think that my fear is in people's opinions and what they might think of me or say about me. I'm ready to put that behind me and share the things that are on my heart and the things that I think others might need to hear. 

So here it goes - 

I've been single for quite some time now. Some days I love it and other days I absolutely hate it. It's hard being 24 and single. Heck, it's hard being any age and single. I SO often find myself angrily scrolling past engagements, weddings, fancy dates, and baby announcements on Instagram. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you all, but there's also a lot of bitterness and jealousy. 

I was never the girl who wore singleness proudly. I was never the girl who confidently did things on her own and didn't bat an eye. I was the girl who would turn down hanging out with friends if I knew I'd be the only one there not in a relationship. I was the girl who felt like I HAD to be "talking" to someone. I was the girl who rolled my eyes at all the girls who were confident in their singleness. See, I was jealous of those who were in relationships and those who were not. That's not a good place to set up camp.

I've grown since then. Does that mean I don't get jealous anymore or sad? No. Does that mean that I've given up on love? No. Truthfully love is something I long so deeply for. But the growing has looked more like acceptance. I'm accepting that singleness is for me right now. I'm accepting that either I'm not ready for the man that God has for me, or he's not ready for me. I'm accepting that this time isn't a punishment but actually a blessing. I was listening to a sermon on my way to work the other day and it was a sermon about relationships, the pastor and his wife were both speaking about their own dating journey, and the pastors wife said something that really struck me. She said (not a word for word quote but something along the lines of) that she spent most of her time of singleness just waiting for a relationship so that her life could start. She mentioned how she thought that that was the one thing she needed before she could really live, and that she wished she had spent those years finding herself and figuring out who she was on her own rather than just waiting for what she thought would be something better. I don't think I realized I did this until I heard her say it. I've found that when it comes to love, it can be easy for that to become all that we think about, all that we focus on. We may not do it intentionally but because we want it so bad we just can't shake it. 

(I say we hoping that maybe there's someone out there who feels the same so that I don't seem crazy!).

I've been in love once in my life so far. When our relationship ended I thought that was the end of love for me. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way about another person and I was SURE he was the one. Even years after our breakup, I never would've admitted it, but I was still holding onto hope that maybe just maybe we'd still end up together in the end. In case you're wondering, we didn't end up together. In fact, he's married now. And the moment that I heard he was married was the moment that I decided to (finally) leave the past in the past, where it belongs, and invest in myself. No more mourning the relationships that once were or could've been, but instead focusing all my energy on loving myself. And I'm not talking about "self care" type of love. I'm talking about.. God literally molded me in His hands and chose every single aspect of my being and personality and character and why would I place all of my value in what a guy says or sees or wants. It all really came down to realizing that I had put my relationship with God on the back burner so that I could find a boyfriend. 

Cause that seems like a good idea, right? 

W R O N G. 

You see, God knows what he's doing. He knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. Even though I felt completely ready, I wasn't. I'm still not. Relationships are hard. They're even harder if you go into it not knowing yourself fully. It's almost impossible to love another person when you don't love yourself. Cliché, I know. But it's true. 

Just because your life isn't going how you want it to, doesn't mean that it's not going anywhere at all.
Don't waste your singleness. Don't wish it away. Instead, try to start trusting God with it. I feel like when it comes to relationships we tend to keep that separate from God, because we think we know exactly what we want and need. In reality, we have no idea. Instead of investing SO much of your time on finding "the one", start investing your time into your relationship with THE ONE who holds your entire life in the palm of His hands. As hard as it is to do sometimes, when we surrender our lives over to God and give up trying to control things on our owns, that's when we truly see the blessings and the things that He has in store for us that only HE can give us.

Be encouraged and know that you are not alone in your singleness. While it can a lonely time, remember that it's not forever, and that there is a lot that comes in the waiting. Be open. Find yourself and learn to l o v e the person that God created you to be. Wear it proud, girl. Own it.