An open letter to my college self -

I know the things you’re feeling.

I’ve sat with you in rooms full of people, watching as you felt invisible.

I’ve sat with you on dorm room floors, as you stared at the girl in the mirror and tried so hard to change who was looking back at you.

I’ve sat with you in conversations, where you were screaming inside but couldn’t quite open your mouth to say anything you really felt, or to say anything really at all. 

I’ve watched you get overlooked and walked over.

Chosen and then rejected, used and then pushed aside. 

I’ve felt every tear fall, every bump, hit and bruise you’ve taken. 

But here’s the thing..

If only you knew. 

If only you knew that you had a fire raging inside of you that just wanted, needed, to come out.

If you only knew that who you are at your core is who you need to introduce to people, not the made up, doctored, perfectly tailored version of yourself that you shove out. 

You’re lonely because you’re not letting people get to the real you.

And you’re not letting people get to the real you because the one person you did, they didn’t know how to hold all of who you are.

That’s the risk of being a human. You find someone that makes your heart feel different, and you start to hand them bits and pieces of yourself, sometimes small and sometimes really big. And what they do with those bits and pieces is up to them, but sometimes all they do is let them drop to the ground.

That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I know you’ve thought that forever.

No, it just means they aren’t the person meant to carry them. 

They’re too big, too heavy, too awkward, not fitting correctly in their hands. 

So they fall, and they break, and in turn you break too.

Then you desperately scoop up all the pieces and shove them back in, deeper and deeper every time you meet someone new. 

I know, I’ve watched you do it countless times. Watching as it tears away at who you really are, every time. 

Exhaustion and defeat, read all over your face after every interaction where you did nothing but stomp the pieces down deeper and deeper. 

What you didn’t realize at the time, is the one person who’s opinion you held so highly, who you wanted to impress the most, who you wanted to see you and love you fully and truly for all that you are.

They did.

They saw who you are at your absolute core. 

They called it out. Wrote it down, even, in a note that you still have.

They saw.

But you couldn’t. 

Lost in the sea of trying to be what everyone else wanted, all of who you are stuffed so deep inside, that even you couldn’t see it anymore.

I watched as you, for the longest time, couldn’t figure out what was “wrong with you”.

Nothing at all was wrong with you, you just completely lost yourself. You had no identity. Hanging on by a thread, trying to fix yourself and feel better, continuing to produce these fake versions of yourself, slapping on a smile that you pulled out of thin air because you couldn’t muster one up on your own.

Lost.

You were lost.

The fear of being broken again gripped you so tightly. 

Like a hand around your neck always ready to clench tighter and tighter at the slightest hint of a connection with someone.

I’ve seen you love and lose so many times. 

Hand your massive heart to people and them just disappear from your life in an instant.

Those scars are deep. Those scars are tender.

But you keep on loving.

You keep on caring.

Because that’s the very thing that you are, at your core, your inner most being.

The love that stays pounding around inside your heart, just waiting to be able to come out.

Waiting for that person that can handle it for all that it is.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Your heart is just bigger than you are.

It took too long to realize it, too long to embrace it.

You are no longer a shell of a person.

You are full of life and love and fire and passion.

And it’s good.

It’s scary to let people in. To hand them those giant pieces of yourself in hopes that they are taken tenderly and softly, held gently.

But it’s also so rewarding.

To be seen and to be known, even just a little bit.

To let all that love inside of you spill out. 

I wish you wouldn’t have been so afraid of that for all those years.

It’s scary, but it’s so beautiful. 

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not lost anymore. You’ve found yourself, your real true self.

hello, welcome to my brain.

So, it's Valentines Day again. 

I know I always write posts on valentines day, and maybe you think it's lame, and thats okay. I needed someone to talk about it when I was younger, so I'm doing that for the person reading this that needs to hear it the most. 

I think last time I wrote about valentines day (it's literally right below this if you want to just do a little scroll), I was saying how I used to dread it, and be annoyed by all the relationships and love around me. I was bitter! I wrote that about 3 years ago and I can honestly say I haven't felt bitterness on this day since then. And that's because I rooted myself in Jesus. And found my identity in Him and not my relationship status. I wrote all about that already though, you can go read it if you want. But today what's on my heart is something different. 

I've gone through some frustrating seasons in life lately. Maybe you have too. When it seems like things go from great to so-not-great in the blink of an eye. Where you wake up each morning almost afraid to see what the day holds and what kind of change it'll bring to your life. It's... weird. A weird spot to be in. I turned 29 last month, which was kind of sickening but also exciting. Turning 29 made me look at my relationship status totally differently. I've been single now for quite a while. There have been a few flings here and there but nothing has stuck. And even recently there was someone who I thought would really stick. Someone I could really actually see something real with for the first time in a long time. But it didn't work out. And while I've been grieving, in a way, the loss of that could-have-been, I have learned so much about the importance of a few really important things. 

1. Valuing yourself : I like that one of the definitions of the word value is "to consider". Especially when thinking of yourself, to consider yourself. I feel like it's so easy for me to become so wrapped up in someone else that they become the thing I'm "considering" the most. Their feelings. What they want. And somewhere along the way I lose regard for myself. Do you ever feel like this (pls say I'm not the only one). Like, somewhere in the talking stages or the situationships, you yourself get put on the back burner. I think this is easy for most humans to do, especially if we're the type of people who just want to care for others fully and show our love that way. But something I was forgetting about in the relationship hunt was myself. My own feelings. Want I truly am looking for in a relationship and future spouse. You may read this first point and think, "that sounds selfish". But I promise you it isn't. In the last valentines day post I talked about identity in Jesus. Who He says that I am over who I think I am. Valuing yourself is also standing firm in that. Don't bring yourself down to meet someone else's level. Don't compromise who you KNOW in your heart that you are, who God says you are, who He is calling you to be.. for someone else. 

2. Knowing your worth : This one goes hand in hand with the first one. Let me just tell you.. whoever you are that's reading this that maybe needs to hear this. You are SO worth love and good things. Do not ever let a guy who can't get his crap together make you feel like you are unworthy of love. You deserve someone who is excited about you, who cannot wait to talk to you and can't get enough of talking to you, someone who goes out of their way to make you feel special even if it's in the smallest, simplest way. You deserve someone who is going to make plans and keep those plans, someone who wants to spend time hearing what you have to say and listening to the things that you're passionate about. You deserve someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Don't let some guy drag you around and keep you in the dark or confused about his feelings. It's absolutely okay for you to step away from someone because you feel like you don't deserve the way they are treating you. I feel like the culture we live in today is afraid to do this, which is funny because I also feel like culture is very "speak your truth!" "tell people how you feel about them!" "Be honest!". I know it can be hard to walk away from people that you have a connection with, and people who probably already have a lot of space in your heart. But know your worth! I promise you that the right person will not leave you feeling confused or anxious or have you up crying at all hours of the night. Know your worth and do not let anyone else try to tell you what your worth is or should be. 

3. Boundaries : Anyone else get extremely close to people too quickly and then partially regret it later and/or get that sickish feeling in your gut when you realize you've just shared huge pieces of your heart with someone who probably didn't deserve, and wasn't ready, to hear or hold them....... just me? 😅 This one is TOUGH, but so so so crucially important. Guard your heart. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" Proverbs 4:23. This quote from the Enduring Word Commentary really shook me.  "As Satan keeps special watch here, so must we keep special watch as well. If the citadel is taken, the whole town must surrender. If the heart is captured, the whole man-affections, desires, motives, pursuits-will be handed over" (Bridges).Our hearts are where we are supposed to hold wisdom. "The unguarded heart sees a choking or restriction to the joy and pleasantness of life." Sheesh. Be careful who you give parts of yourself, and your heart to. I know it's easy to get caught up in the fun and excitement of something and someone new, but don't forget to guard your heart. This is not something I have always done well. And at times I have felt the seemingly physical pain of all the missing pieces of my heart I've given away. If you feel like that today, I just want to say I love you so much. And Jesus loves you so much. And He will heal every single inch of your heart if you lay it at His feet. It may hurt and be uncomfy for a little bit, but let God hold it. Don't give away pieces of it willy-nilly, especially to guys who aren't ready or willing to commit to something long term. Or to guys who maybe just say all the right things at the right times but leave you feeling a little confused about where you stand. Sharing more of yourself with someone in hopes that it will make them stay is never the answer. And if you're like me, and have done that, know that there is restoration in Jesus. Boundaries can be hard to establish and sometimes even harder to stick to. But your heart needs them. Your mind needs them, too. 

These things are so important. And honestly it took me way too long to really realize that. These were things I've always known but not always things that I've been good at upholding within myself. You are truly amazing. And you deserve someone who sees that. Someone who realizes what an honor it is to be with you. 

So that's all I got this valentines day. I know it can be hard. I know these things are easier said than done. But I encourage you to really search your own heart on these. Where do you struggle? What or who are you holding on to that you know isn't right? I said it somewhere up there, but never ever ever ever ever ever lower yourself to meet someone else's level on these 3 things. Don't let anyone but Jesus himself tell you what you're worth. His voice (Jesus) is the ONLY voice that matters. Listen to Him. And don't just listen, but root yourself in what He says about you. Because you are dearly loved by Him.

Lastly, if your heart is hurting this time of year, for any reason, just know that I love you. I care. I'm here if you need someone to talk to about it. Feelings can be so amazing but they can also be so crushing and unbearably heavy. I get it. Feel what needs to be felt, but also don't be afraid to reach out and ask for someone to sit with you in it. 

Happy Valentines Day. Drink your favorite coffee today and buy yourself some flowers cause you freaking deserve it, girlfriend. I love you.