31

Day 31 of quarantine:
By now, we all can probably agree, that these are weird times.

The last 31 days have been the slowest and also the fastest. I know that we have all been asked to stay home, which is honestly not that hard, or at least it shouldn't be. Every day throughout this whole pandemic I have been trying very hard to gauge my emotions. All over social media we see everyone sharing things like, "it's okay to feel what you're feeling!" and I have even been the one to post that same thing. If I'm being honest.. I don't know what I have been feeling. As the days go by I feel like I am living inside a cloud. Inside a cloud of fog. I can't see what is ahead of me, and I've lost sight of everything behind me. Some days I am scared. Some days I'm anxious and sad. Some days I am incredibly lonely. Some days I feel happy. I don't think I have felt one solid lasting emotion at all over the last 31 days.

I think overwhelmed is a good word to use.

 So what do you do in these times? What do you do with all these feelings? These are the things I have been asking myself every single day. Some days I wake up with a lot of ambition and motivation for the day, and other days i wake up and can barely pull myself up out of bed. it's weird. And I'm not writing this to bring everyone down. I just felt compelled to share my feelings because maybe you're feeling the same. This isn't forever.. but it is our right now. There's no escaping the reality we are living in. I personally feel like I am learning a lot about myself during this time. Maybe a lot more than I ever wanted to know haha. I'm trying to find the good in that though. Taking this as a chance to better myself. Letting my true colors come out to be seen by only me (and my parents...sorry guys). I was thinking the other day about how I quickly grew to dread my long commute to and from work because sometimes it was just too much time left with my own thoughts and emotions. Most of the time I would try to FaceTime or call a friend so that I wouldn't be "alone". That was totally me at the beginning of this quarantine. I was talking to friends almost the entire day. And then, as we all got a little more adjusted in this, the FaceTime calls kind of dwindled and we all got busy doing our own things. I think that sometimes it's good for us to be alone with our own thoughts and emotions, as uncomfortable as it is, it forces us to deal with them. To face them. To feel them. To embrace them. And I think that is what this time is about. It's not about how productive we can be during this time.. but rather how we can better ourselves. What habits can we change. What emotions can we confront. What relationships can we grow. How we can be better human beings to each other.

It's okay if you don't reorganize your entire house during this. It's okay if you don't start and/or finish a project. It's okay if you don't change your hair. It's okay if you don't create content every single day. It's okay if all you do today, or this week, is slowly sip your coffee and listen to music or watch an entire season/series on Netflix.

Everyone is saying it but I'm going to say it again. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Don't push yourself if you don't have to. Feel. Cry if you have to. Dance around your house. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Go for a walk. Sit on your porch and watch the rain. It's okay, it's all going to be okay.

To: All the single ladies

This one is for all the single ladies out there (cue Beyoncé).

I've had this one on my heart for a long time but to be honest I've just been afraid to share it. Why? I'm not really sure. I think that my fear is in people's opinions and what they might think of me or say about me. I'm ready to put that behind me and share the things that are on my heart and the things that I think others might need to hear. 

So here it goes - 

I've been single for quite some time now. Some days I love it and other days I absolutely hate it. It's hard being 24 and single. Heck, it's hard being any age and single. I SO often find myself angrily scrolling past engagements, weddings, fancy dates, and baby announcements on Instagram. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you all, but there's also a lot of bitterness and jealousy. 

I was never the girl who wore singleness proudly. I was never the girl who confidently did things on her own and didn't bat an eye. I was the girl who would turn down hanging out with friends if I knew I'd be the only one there not in a relationship. I was the girl who felt like I HAD to be "talking" to someone. I was the girl who rolled my eyes at all the girls who were confident in their singleness. See, I was jealous of those who were in relationships and those who were not. That's not a good place to set up camp.

I've grown since then. Does that mean I don't get jealous anymore or sad? No. Does that mean that I've given up on love? No. Truthfully love is something I long so deeply for. But the growing has looked more like acceptance. I'm accepting that singleness is for me right now. I'm accepting that either I'm not ready for the man that God has for me, or he's not ready for me. I'm accepting that this time isn't a punishment but actually a blessing. I was listening to a sermon on my way to work the other day and it was a sermon about relationships, the pastor and his wife were both speaking about their own dating journey, and the pastors wife said something that really struck me. She said (not a word for word quote but something along the lines of) that she spent most of her time of singleness just waiting for a relationship so that her life could start. She mentioned how she thought that that was the one thing she needed before she could really live, and that she wished she had spent those years finding herself and figuring out who she was on her own rather than just waiting for what she thought would be something better. I don't think I realized I did this until I heard her say it. I've found that when it comes to love, it can be easy for that to become all that we think about, all that we focus on. We may not do it intentionally but because we want it so bad we just can't shake it. 

(I say we hoping that maybe there's someone out there who feels the same so that I don't seem crazy!).

I've been in love once in my life so far. When our relationship ended I thought that was the end of love for me. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way about another person and I was SURE he was the one. Even years after our breakup, I never would've admitted it, but I was still holding onto hope that maybe just maybe we'd still end up together in the end. In case you're wondering, we didn't end up together. In fact, he's married now. And the moment that I heard he was married was the moment that I decided to (finally) leave the past in the past, where it belongs, and invest in myself. No more mourning the relationships that once were or could've been, but instead focusing all my energy on loving myself. And I'm not talking about "self care" type of love. I'm talking about.. God literally molded me in His hands and chose every single aspect of my being and personality and character and why would I place all of my value in what a guy says or sees or wants. It all really came down to realizing that I had put my relationship with God on the back burner so that I could find a boyfriend. 

Cause that seems like a good idea, right? 

W R O N G. 

You see, God knows what he's doing. He knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. Even though I felt completely ready, I wasn't. I'm still not. Relationships are hard. They're even harder if you go into it not knowing yourself fully. It's almost impossible to love another person when you don't love yourself. Cliché, I know. But it's true. 

Just because your life isn't going how you want it to, doesn't mean that it's not going anywhere at all.
Don't waste your singleness. Don't wish it away. Instead, try to start trusting God with it. I feel like when it comes to relationships we tend to keep that separate from God, because we think we know exactly what we want and need. In reality, we have no idea. Instead of investing SO much of your time on finding "the one", start investing your time into your relationship with THE ONE who holds your entire life in the palm of His hands. As hard as it is to do sometimes, when we surrender our lives over to God and give up trying to control things on our owns, that's when we truly see the blessings and the things that He has in store for us that only HE can give us.

Be encouraged and know that you are not alone in your singleness. While it can a lonely time, remember that it's not forever, and that there is a lot that comes in the waiting. Be open. Find yourself and learn to l o v e the person that God created you to be. Wear it proud, girl. Own it. 

New Year, New Everything

Hello again! It's me, back from my almost full year (unintentional) hiatus. 

I have no real reason why I stepped away from the blog. I think it was a mixture of things, to be honest. Not only did life get busy, but I think that I lost sight of myself a little bit. Meaning that for me, 2019 became a time of really trying to figure out who I am, what I like, what I want to do, who I want to be, etc. This involved me stepping away from the things that once brought me joy to try to figure it all out. But here I am! Back and better than ever. Ready to take on the whole blogging thing again, and this time, I feel really excited about it. 

Over the last year I fell into a routine of waking up, going to work, eating dinner and going to bed. Just to wake up and do it all again the next day. If I can be honest with you all.. I don't love my job, so this routine really drained me of all happiness. 

On New Years Eve I promised myself that I wouldn't deprive myself of happiness in this new year. I don't have to just go to work and come home and sleep and eat. I can do things that make me happy. I can make time for the things that bring me joy. It's essential! 

So here we are - two days in to 2020. A new year. A new decade. 

This year I want to be more intentional about the goals that I'm setting. More realistic about them and about the ways that I plan on achieving them. It can be easy to think up cliche goals that everyones posting on Instagram (come on, you know we all have done it), but I don't want to do that this year. This year it's time to get serious! Time to buckle down and achieve the things I want to achieve.

As I mentioned above, I'm excited for this year.

I plan on being more active on here and sharing more of the things that are on my heart.

I'd love for you come along for the ride!