It's always been really easy for me to be bitter on Valentines Day. Not even in the sarcastic, funny, kind of way. But actually bitter. I truly never thought that I would be in my mid-twenties and still single. Growing up I never had any role models or people in my life really that were in that position. A lot of my friends were either older or younger than me and once I hit a certain age they all started getting married and it started to feel like a competition. It started to feel like a club that I wasn't invited to be a part of. A club that I didn't have the qualifications to join. And to be honest, some days, it sucks. I'm not going to lie about that. But the reason I'm writing this is because I wish that I would've known then that there is no set timeline. There is no "you have to be married by this age" rule. I wish more single women talked about their singleness in a way that didn't make me wish that I would never be one of them.
This Valentines Day was different. Because I have acknowledged the root of my bitterness.
In the summer I had a relationship that I thought was the best thing. I'd honestly never been so happy with someone. And I thought to myself, 'this must be it. This must be what I've been waiting and praying for for years.' I truly thought it was. And then that relationship ended. I was pretty quick to fall back into my anxiety and negative thinking about all relationships. Thinking that nothing would ever work out for me. That it must be something wrong with me. That I must just not be "good enough". It was a rock bottom moment for me.
That was at the end of last year. Going into the new year one of my goals was to devote myself to growing closer to God. Something that honestly I put on the back burner for far too long. In that rock bottom time I realized my need for God. My real, true, desperate need for Him. I was spending more time in the word and I even joined a Bible study with some friends. I logged off Instagram, because I spent way too much time on it before just comparing myself, my life, my worth. I was committed. Something HAD to change. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed the posture of my heart. Nothing was going to change until I figured out where the bitterness was coming from. Why I was so quick to jump to those "not good enough" thoughts.
The answer: I wasn't putting God first. In anything. I maybe thought that I was, but I wasn't. I was listening to a podcast about social media that said something about how what's in our hearts is going to be reflected in everything that we do. That concept took my mind somewhere else. It made me think that it's what wasn't in my heart that was causing me to act a certain way and think certain things. After all, I was spending my time comparing myself to others, comparing my relationship to others, comparing my whole life, my job, my looks, my style, literally everything. That's what I was feeding my mind constantly. And that behavior led to just a lot of loneliness. And the loneliness led to trying to find anything and anyone to make that feeling go away.
That was when I realized my desperate need for God.
Ever since acknowledging that everything has been different. I can rest in knowing that my life isn't completely up to me to plan out. I believe that God has a plan, and that His plan will surely come to be in my life as long as I am willing to let him lead me. I wanted control over my love life. I wanted to make all the rules. But that's not how it works. It can work that way, I guess, for some people maybe? But that wasn't the case for me. Maybe you've read this far and you're wondering where the heck I am going with all of this. I really just wanted to tell my story. And encourage anyone out there, man, woman, anyone, who may feel the same way about wondering where their perfect someone is. It took me way too long to realize that I need to be content in the love that Jesus has for me and be content with who I am, who I TRULY am, in Christ, before I can be able to fully love someone else. And if I don't have the capability to love another person, then I shouldn't be with another person because thats not fair to them. Do I want to be in love? YES. Do I have those moments still where it's very difficult and it hurts like crap? YES. But what's changed is the posture of my heart. My attitude toward it all. God IS enough for me. There was a gaping hole in my heart/life that I was trying to fill with anyone else before realizing that what I was missing was right in front of me. Pleading for me to come back to Him and find rest in His love. Honestly, if the whole point of my past relationship ending was for me to come to this point, then for that I am so thankful. For that, the pain will have been plenty worth it.
It's okay to feel lonely.
It's okay to want a relationship.
It was never about me not being "good enough". It was always me just not being ready. Not being secure in who I was. Not even really knowing who I was because I was too scared to address the issues within my own heart. Too scared to admit that I had messed up. That I had strayed away from that plan that God has. To admit that I was trying to have control over that aspect of my life and that it was backfiring repeatedly.
You ARE good enough. It is NEVER about not being "good enough".
If you can relate to any of this, I want to encourage you that 1.) you're not alone. 2.) please reach out to someone you're close with and talk to them about your feelings. Feeling lonely can lead to a downward spiral of negative thoughts, anxiety and depression. And you don't deserve that. Talk to someone. 3.) PRAY. Speak out loud to God the desires of your heart. Yes, he already knows those without us saying anything but theres something powerful about speaking it. Acknowledging it. Even if you feel ridiculous, talk to Him. Admit that you need Him and that you need help. 4.) There is someone out there for you and when you meet them it will be the happiest day of your whole life (this is what I tell myself on the regular hahhaa).
So this Valentines Day.. I hope that you feel loved. Whether you're single, married, engaged, divorced, wherever you find yourself. I hope you feel Gods love. I hope you feel the love of friends, of family.
You ARE loved. So so so so so so much.
And not just on Valentines Day.
Don't forget that.
